Secrets of Adulthood

Our local book club meets in a few weeks. All women, mostly mothers, from various walks of life. I offered to host our next discussion, which means that with some input from the group, I got to make the call for our reading selection. Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project has been sitting on my nightstand for a few weeks now, keeping Understanding Exposure and Literature and the Web company. I wish I had kept better track of how I learned about this book. I know I first stumbled across it through a tweet or a blog post, which quickly lead me to The Happiness Project site where I found myself glued to my computer screen reading post after post. But I don't remember who lead me there. I wish I did so that I might thank that person.

I'm thoroughly enjoying the book, and not just because of its easy, conversational style, but mainly because Rubin has me reflecting on my own life and what I might do to be more engaged in the present, more fully aware of my own happiness. So for fun, I used one of her early project starting ideas, creating a list of the Secrets of Adulthood, as a springboard for creating my own. So here it is, with some input from my husband, the list of lessons I have learned over time, my secrets to adulthood:

1. What you do daily is what you are doing. Aristotle wrote, "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit."
2. Consistency matters most.
3. Don't buy cheap shoes. Your knees will thank you.
4. Because that's the way we've always done it is not a valid reason.
5. Cooking from scratch not only tastes better but teaches patience and understanding.
6. Tip well.
7. Buy local.
8. No matter how much space and seating you have in your living room, everyone always ends up hanging out in the kitchen.
9. Learn to sew. You'll learn so much more than just how to fix a hem when you pick up a needle and thread.
10. There's no such thing as strong coffee, just weak people.
11. Just because you haven't ever done it, doesn't mean you can't.
12. It's almost always worth the extra money. For example, fresh squeezed is better than orange juice from concentrate.
13. Write it down. You will forget.
14. There is an art to gift giving. It is an art that must be practiced.
15. You will fill whatever space you have, so consider what you really need, not just what you want.
16. Mean it when you say you are sorry.
17. Practice brevity. Repeatedly.
18. Home improvement and craft projects will take three times longer than you anticipate. This is due in part to the five extra trips you will need to make for forgotten supplies.
19. Always proof read. Always.
20. Many problems can be solved by going for a walk.

What secrets have you learned?

It's Not Guilt

My three month old has been a bit fussy the last few days. He's adjusting to a new sleep pattern, and, given the slime-trails of drool that coat nearly ever shirt I own, he very well may be starting to teethe. So this afternoon I found myself standing in the middle of my living room swaying and shushing my swaddled infant in a desperate attempt to get my little one down for his afternoon nap. Usually, I can lay him down, awake but just barely in his bassinet without so much as a squeak, but this afternoon he wouldn't even let me sit down to rock him to sleep. He wanted to be held close while I stood to bounce him off to dreamland. All this to say, I don't normally watch afternoon television, but since it was taking my little man a bit of work to drift off, I popped on "The Talk."

I had never watched the program before, but who could miss all the television ads in prime time touting it as the modern mom talk show to watch. My reaction - really? REALLY?!

The opening talk of today's program was inspired by Julianna Margulies' interview in Harper's Bazaar. The hosts mention Margulies' role on "The Good Wife" and begin to discuss their moments of being the good wife versus the bad wife. What evolves is an conversation where Leah Remini declares that she is a good wife when she gives "it" up for her husband, which according to her is the only thing all men want any way, versus Holly Robinson Peete saying that she is a good wife when she brings her husband his slippers and pipe. My initial reaction is to stop bouncing my little one (to his dismay) and stand dumbfounded. Really? You're going to argue over which superficial gender role is more accurate? And this on a show that touts itself as the program that "gets" modern mothers. I highly doubt a majority of their viewers would agree that what makes a woman a "good wife" is the level to which she submits to her husband's desires, whether they be for sex or slippers.

Ironically, when Julianna Margulies was asked about how she was able to be a good wife and mother, she responded in her interview that she feels

"...guilt all the way around. You want to be there for your husband, be there for your kids, be great at your job, all that stuff. But at the end of the day, if you put everyone in front of you, what happens to you? I think all these 1950s Leave It to Beaver housewives suddenly woke up and went, 'What about me? F--k you all. You know how hard this is? I've had dinner on the table, I've figured this out, and now you're sleeping with your secretary?' I do believe the balance lies in yourself. I can't say I can do it all, because I can't."

One of the hosts mentions this quote from the magazine. From here the conversation slips into talk of our role as mothers and our place within the family. Holly makes a comment about how she takes care of her husband, her kids, even her dogs before she takes care of herself. The camera pans wide, the women in the audience can all be seen nodding their heads. The women around the table lean in closer as the camera zooms in for a close-up on their pensive faces. They begin to discuss how mothers are motivated by guilt. I am no longer dumbfounded. I'm irritated. I am actually a bit surprised by how strong my reaction is at the mention of mothers' guilt, and I find myself wondering, "Why does this bother me so much?"

In frightful earnestness the women discuss how guilt haunts every choice they have made since becoming a mother. They feel guilty for having a career, for not spending more personal time with their husbands, for putting the children above their own needs, for putting their own needs above their children - their guilts start to contradict each other.

I hate the word guilt. It's cheap. It's easy. It's superficial. It is word too easily attached to the role of motherhood. It is not guilt these successful television hosts feel. It is ambivalence. They feel ambivalent about wanting a career, or alone time, or a role in addition to that of mother. They feel ambivalence for wanting to be successful outside the home as well as inside. But it is certainly not guilt. If it were guilt, they could repent for the offending behavior, never to be "guilty" of it again. This, however, is not what they mean when they declare their feelings of guilt.

Our culture almost seems to demand that these successful mothers publicly declare their "guilt." We are supposed to feel guilty for wanting more, for not being able to balance it all. But "guilt" is a disguise for a choice that we've already made, whether that choice be to achieve professionally or to stay at home to raise happy, healthy children. By falling prey to the pressure of "working mother's guilt," we cheapen both our roles as mothers and as professionals. Such proclamations of guilt take away from the difficult choices we've had to make along the way. Proclaiming feelings of guilt is a disavowal of those choices. Guilt oversimplifies what it means to be a modern mother.

I wished the television hosts would own their ambivalence and not some false sense of guilt. Clearly they would not be on television and as successful professionally as they are today if they were truly motivated by some sense of guilt. Instead, I wish these public women would spend time talking about the pull they feel for wanting something for themselves versus the pressure they feel to also be the attentive housewife and mother. It is these polarized images of the modern woman - career-driven versus crafting mom - that have us embracing notions of guilt. The modern mother is more complicated. We need to own our ambivalence, not the guilt.

Only one voice on the panel, that of the youngest of the mothers, Sarah Gilbert, prevailed as the voice of balance, observing that we all want what we don't have, and that at some point "we need to come to terms with our choices in order to find balance." It was with that sound declaration that I was able to lay my infant son down for his nap and pick up my laptop to blog.

In Defense of Moms

Lisa Belkin over at New York Times' Motherlode blog recently published Katie Allison Granju and Jillian St. Charles’ response to Erica Jong’s Wall Street Journal essay “Mother Madness.” In it, Granju and St. Charles argue that Jong vilifies the modern mother's choice to breastfeed and co-sleep. Their response drips with barely contained vitriol, criticizing not just Jong's position on motherhood but her writing style, contributions to literature, and the contributions of feminists of Jong's generation. Such obvious attacks do not promote dialogue but serve merely to divide: are you a baby-wearer or a politically-aware feminist? C'mon. which is it?! While I understand that Jong as well as Granju/St. Charles are intentionally trying to rally support using emotionally-laden rhetoric, ironically such responses are leaving out a very significant audience - mothers.

Both Jong and Grangu/St. Charles get caught up in their own passionate appeals - a position on modern motherhood. Unfortunately, neither seem to really connect with the day-to-day realities of being a mom. Jong does indulge in some hyperbole with statements like:

"Attachment parenting, especially when combined with environmental correctness, has encouraged female victimization."

While Grangu and St. Charles misread Jong and attack Jong's apparent disconnect from today's moms with statements like:

"And as for Jong’s assertion that mothers today don't tell each other the truth about the difficult, challenging and even dark parts of the world's toughest job, well she obviously hasn't read any momblogs or any of the wave of 'momoirs' that have been released in the last decade."

Really Jong? Attachment parenting in conjunction with environment awareness are what keep women from reaching their potential? You've over simplified for effect. I get it. While I agree that obsessively and dogmatically following any parenting theory will ultimately do a great disservice to both the child and the parent, it is dangerous to reduce the difficult position modern mothers find themselves in today, wanting to both raise emotionally healthy children and find ways to be emotionally healthy themselves by pursuing their own passions and work, to such polarizing rhetoric.

Unfortunately, Grangu and St. Charles aren't much better, seeming to miss Jong's point entirely. Jong has not authored a plea for mothers to spend more time reading momblogs about how to parent. Jong is not saying we shouldn't breastfeed or co-sleep. In fact, she directly states, "Mothers must be free to choose." Instead, one of Jong's most salient points advocates a more communal approach to parenting, taking up the position that it takes a community to raise a child. Besides, Grangu/St. Charles arguement that there are a pleathora of mommy blogs misses the mark in another respect, there is a difference between writing for an unseen audience and confessing face-to-face your failures and misgivings as a parent, in connecting one-on-one in honest conversation about your doubts and fears as a parent. Jong seems to argue for more connection and less parenting from unseen gurus.

It is unfortunate that both pieces are littered with such anger and sweeping generalizations. At their heart, both pieces seem to be generally concerned about the position of mothers. I love Jong's final statement, that our cultures seems to have devised "a set of expectations that makes [mothers] feel inadequate no matter how passionately they attend to their children." I agree. I feel caught between my hopes of being a good mother and to also find fulfillment and identity outside of my role as a mother. And Grangu and St. Charles also offer up some good observations: "Progressive politics begin at home, with the way we raise our children, and many women will tell you that becoming a mother was the most politically radicalizing experience of their lives. Suddenly, the personal really is political, in a very tangible way." I also agree. Suddenly, my desire to work for and vote for policies that support the education of all children, healthcare for all children, and open access to both, are much more personal now that I have children of my own.

All this coming from a mother with a masters degree from a women's college, typing with a two month old bouncing on her knee while her two year old naps, proving there is such a thing as the feminist mother. We are political diaper-changers. We are intellectual nurturers. To steal a sentiment from Walt Whitman, we are large; we contain multitudes. So let's hear more balanced critique and less dichotomizing rhetoric from both sides of the motherhood debate. Let's spend less time pointing fingers and more time figuring out how to support mothers, working in the home and outside of it.